Thursday 16th January 2020

I am going to meet a friend a dear regular from a restaurant I used to work in. He has been sober for longer than I have been alive. So I am looking for some insight and perspective on everything. I am also definitely starting to feel the fear of going back to work tomorrow. Working in the hospitality industry so much of my time has been dedicated to getting people drunk so they have a good time and I now reflectively have so much guilt for that. I am also scared that returning to a familiar environment around alcohol is going to make it so hard to keep clear of it. I don’t know how to work with this. It’s a daunting journey I have so many questions and so much information coming from so many different sources which is great but the varied education is making it really challenging to know what’s right for me. I almost want someone to just instruct me on what to do and point me in the right direction and send me on my way. Feeling lost.

Friday night November / December 2017

I’ve been running a really successful restaurant in London for nearly 2 years. It’s a great restaurant, I’ve built up an amazing team and because we are based in the financial district we are closed on the weekend so Fridays were BIG. It starts at 3pm when we go to our local pub for a couple of pints before running the evening service, which is manically busy, I’m drinking shots with tables and the team. And then sending someone out to buy booze for the after party so we don’t drink all my stock.

We kick the last guests out and I am already pretty wasted. We play loud music, chain smoke cigarettes, sing horribly to everything, try to dance but fall over get on the bar to Sean Paul and shake my ass in the face of an unsuspecting non English speaking kitchen porter on his first day. He doesn’t return. We do shots of anything, and quickly empty several bottles and cans. It’s 5am and I kick everyone out save for a few who I invite to my flat in Brixton as my housemate is staying at her boyfriends. We buy more Gin tonic pick up a couple of grams of coke and settle in to talk shit for a further few hours.

It’s easily midday. The crown slowly thins out and after drinking for almost 24 hours I crawl into bed and try to sleep. Inevitably I can’t so I order 5 guys takeaway (GOD BLESS DELIVEROO) so I don’t need to leave my house. I have wasted my whole day, half of the weekend and then the guilt sets in. What did I do? what did I say? I hope nobody will remember too much, I hope nobody tells my boss. I hope the team will still respect me. I hope I wasn’t the worst- how could I have been? Everyone was so smashed. It should all blow over by Monday, I hope so anyway, just turn your phone off and eat your takeaway in bed, ignore everything else. You only need yourself, then when you feel better I think there’s still a bottle of Prosecco in the fridge.

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