Why I went sober

January 8th 2020

I’m not as think as you drunk I am

— Anon

9:25 AM

You have downloaded the I am Sober app. You haven’t slept, you’re staying on your best friends sofa. You can see a half empty bottle of Dalwhinnie on the table that is giving you perpetual nausea.

January 7th 2020

20.20 PM

You don’t have a job, you’re in the middle of a fight with your flatmates and you had to call and ask your Dad to lend you money to be able to pay rent. This led to him quite rightly asking why you didn’t have money after being in highly paid successful jobs for the past 6 years. And you cried.

You cried because you were ashamed. You don’t want to admit what all your money has been spent on. Alcohol, drugs, Ubers and multiple daily takeaways to combat the headbanging hangovers inflicted on yourself much to frequently. Then you defaulted to the familiar, grabbed a bottle of whisky. Went to a friends and drink half of it yourself. When she goes to sleep go online to find escape by hooking up with a stranger. Have a video call with that person on the guise of being safe, book an uber from Hackney to Camberwell. Show up, apologise for being drunk ask him if you spoke because you can’t remember the call. Ask him his name because you can’t remember if you asked that either. Bang on about how funny your Uber driver was and how you were going to request him from now on. Feel like you might throw up. Then get an uber back with the unrequested driver whose name you have forgotten to your friends because you can’t go home. Order deliveroo to the house. Eat it. Throw half away and try to hide it from your friend and her flatmate and vomit that £25 takeaway – thank god they have a downstairs toilet.

Spend the night half watching netflix half walking back and forth to the downstairs toilet umming and ahhing if you need to stick your fingers down your throat to force yourself to be sick again. You decide not to, because your throat already hurts from retching and you want to lay down.

Now- it’s the morning you’re filled with regret, you still can’t remember the names of anyone from last night. And it’s time to own this as problem.

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